87 thoughts on “Vlog: Biding my time ’til Christmas…

      1. Deathray

        Back for a few days to complete a construction project.
        Migration hasn’t started yet so trying to get a few things finished before winter hits.

        Like

    1. Unfuck U

      Nay.
      Puttin’ cuffs on those criminals wrists ya ain’t need ’em keys – nor do them need a key anymore for that little time left after they’re cuffed.

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      1. Sandy

        Absolutely want a beer!! IPA thank you. By the way, dad was 50% Austrian and proud of it.

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    1. Deathray

      Spent way too much time on bases in that part of the country.
      Not a fan of the humidity. ( or the snakes) And, I was much younger then.
      I’ve been told that I’m a heat pump. You can take that for what its worth.

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      1. Sandy

        I’ll take care of the snakes for you. Mom taught me well. Any snake she saw was chopped up when a shovel. Women had grit! Keep me warm baby!

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  1. Johno

    Miss Sandy, you didn’t give the recipe for the snake pie, apart from chopping it up. Using a shovel to do that will just ruin the pretty skins. Deathray probably has quite a collection to show you, I heard that he makes maraccas from all the tail rattles! Can you imagine him and Cederq using them and a couple of tamborines to do an ‘I Go To Rio’ routine?

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    1. Cederq

      Four Point? Try six or eight point, with a gag and spit hood for the damnable marsupial ass wrangler from under down…. How did you find where the guys lurk Sandy? Un, you said this club house (asylum) had a “No Gurlzs” allowed policy.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Johno

        Cederq, Frau Sandy is welcome around here. The asylum badly needs a real nurse, one without monkeygrease under fingernails.

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      2. Cederq

        I am a real nurse, I gots edumacted at a JR collage and gots a certifikate an shit… I real smarts when it comes to jabbing peeples…

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      3. Deathray

        She will fit in around here just fine.
        Just needs to be given a heads up about how the place operates.
        Most of the patients have a key to the place and can come and go.
        Show up a couple times a day for a shot of laughing gas.
        What is not commonly known, and can only be found buried in the fine print,
        is that there’s a secret section that houses the truly criminally insane.
        Much like Tyler Durden and the first rule of fight club, we can’t mention his name.
        Pretty much the only way to describe this individual is, don’t think of a Hanable Lector,
        or even the cast of villains straight out of Batman. No, this wackadoddle is more like Eddie Haskell.
        By far the absolute worst kind of person that you can ever encounter.
        That is the reason for the solid steel cage. The multiple types of restraints and the administration of the most powerful psychiatric drugs used on anything this side of gorillas.

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      4. Unfuck U

        It’s only the way they pee…
        So long as they behave and don’t soil the floor I can’t see any reason why not.
        After all everyone may take a Guinea pig along, too!

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      5. Deathray

        Cederq, you’re kinda talking strangely.
        I’m having issues understanding what you are attempting to convey.
        Is that your way of saying you have a little sticker?

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      6. Cederq

        Is 304.8mm little? I was conveying to our esteemed marsupial wrestler that I too am a “real” nurse, says so on all my diplomas and transcripts. And yes I do have grease under the nails, including the toes, but I am fastidious about keeping them cut very short and clean after I am done being a grease monkey. Go back hunting, you’re bothering us….

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      7. Cederq

        Johno, the only thing I don’t have is tits, thank you God! I also don’t have menses and PMS (Putting up with Men’s Shit) You realize all women’s afflictions have a root word “men”?

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  2. Deathray

    Hah Phil,
    You’re just a cold heartless bastard.
    That doesn’t come close to criminally insane.
    And, you ain’t no Eddie Haskell either.

    Not saying we can’t fit a holding cell out for you.
    But, think about it.
    Do you really want to be housed anywhere near him?

    I don’t give you a day before you start talking all funny or worse yet, talking funny to yourself.

    Like

    1. Unfuck U

      Talking to himself?
      He does that already.
      He thinks he’s talking to his wife since she says “uh-huh” when he mumbles.
      This sort of retardation isn’t very uncommon and usually doesn’t call for pharmaceutical intervention.
      Miss Sandy could start giving him a mild electroshock therapy once a week after all the administrative shit has been done.
      We didn’t yet receive any application for a job from her though.

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  3. Sandy

    Four point restraints? Sounds like fun to me!

    Cederq- found out where the guys hang out cause I’m resourceful like that.

    Johno- no grease under my fingernails, only dirt.

    Unfuck- might need more medication with me around. And beer. Lots of beer.

    Deathray- where do I find the magic key? I might belong in the secret section, no? The first rule of fight clubs is ‘don’t talk about fight club’.

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  4. Johno

    Herr Doktor, you’ve been careful to lock away the psych meds, ether and swabbing alcohol, good, but you still leave out the methylated spirits and turpentine? It’s no wonder that Cederq thinks he has clean fingernails, he sucks them for the buzz. So far as miss Sandy applying to be clinic nurse, maybe she’ll do it for the recreation value? Hell, if she wears that Ka-bar, or is packing a heater in a garter holster, even I’d be polite.

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    1. Deathray

      You’re in the secret section getting gorilla tranquilizers, Eddie.
      She won’t be given the keys to be anywhere near that part of the building.

      Doesn’t that convalescent facility you live at have a 30 year old copy of Hustler laying around so you can hide in a corner and spank your mankie?

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      1. Unfuck U

        Dammit! Nurse!
        Who gave that fella such a high dose of special medication??
        He’s totally besides himself and lost his understanding of speech!

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      2. Cederq

        What does Eddie Haskel got to do with the thread? Is that some new social secret code word now?

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  5. Johno

    Oh I’m just fine, Herr Unfuck. Well…, I’m not really, I think that I need Nurse Sandy to tuck me in, or at least Frau Unfuck to fluff my pillow? What I don’t want are any physical or chemical restraints, they prevent me kicking at the asylum’s rats. Oh, I wasn’t referring to Cederq or Deathray then, but those horrors that infest your wards, big enough to feed a carpet snake, or a chihuahua, for a week! Ohh, they’re Deathray’s emotional support rats? But why are some of them limping on three legs, has he been snacking between meals again?

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  6. Deathray

    I’m not as good swinging the shovel as I’d like to be.
    But with practice I’ll get better.
    Why do you seem so set on denying me a good meal?
    Handful of rice, spoonful of red beans and hot sauce, topped off
    with a bite of rat meat. Now that’s some gourmet feeding right there, Johno.

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    1. Cederq

      Ya got all your main food groups there except beer… I have had rat, while transiting PI, and in Korea, of course they don’t tell ya that is what you are eating….

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      1. Deathray

        I’m keeping my consumption of alcohol a secret, Cederq.
        Guess I never got over having to be all evasive on the subject from back in my early years with having to steal it from my parents liquor stash.
        Just seeing Un hoist a can, gave me the shakes.

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  7. Johno

    Yeah, Deathray, I looked up ‘gourmet’ in both the OED and Elbonian dictionaries. Unless your Webster pidgin-American book (or bark?), or maybe a Vietnamese dictionary, come up different, then you’re pushing the whole Liver-Eatin’ Deathray thing a shade too pale. I suppose that with protein, it really does not matter what your source material is, long as you have enough of it, so Monica Lewinsky says. But chewing one leg at a time off the rodent is just cruel! Living in the frozen north as you do, won’t the Inuit share some elephant-seal blubber with you?

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    1. Unfuck U

      You really think Billy Blowjob Clinton was a good protein source for Monica? Makes me wonder why Hillary looks kinda… malnourished.
      Inuit are said to be very sharing people.
      Over here there’s still that certain lore that they’re sharing their women too if a stranger remains overnight.
      That true, Deathray?
      Cause if so you could give that Yeti-lady the boot and have nice cuddles in igloos if you can stand the smell of fish.

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      1. Deathray

        Not a lot of commingling taking place that I can see.
        Trying to figure out how to say this and not offend the PC crowd.
        Let’s just say that one party pays their way, and the other party gets their way paid for.

        Now saying that, it must also be noted that the party paying for the party are evil and they cause all the problems. But, the party never ends.

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  8. Johno

    Unfuck, your querie about Bill ‘n Hill should answer itself, with one look at that horrid creature. No wonder Bill spilled seed on Monica, his ‘flower of manhood’ must surely have wilted at Hillary’s lady garden! Death speaks of a bloke named Hubble as Chastity’s dad. With that horseface, I reckon old Bill might’ve paid the stud fee to quieten her down. I wonder how much he had to promise Cederq? The bloke should have a chest full of medals. BTW, Unfuck, you need software to provide translation of Deathray’s Elbonian ramblings.

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    1. Deathray

      Johno, get out of bed and come over here so I can sit you down and explain the facts of life to you.
      I’m forced to speak in code just to stay off our new watch lists.
      Sorry if that knobby head of yours is having trouble decoding the code.
      But, I’m trying not to loose my bet with Cederq as to which one of us ends up in the camps first.

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      1. Johno

        Ohh, and uh, would that be as guards, or inmates? I’m already in a prison of sorts, just without bars, so excuse me for being a bit slow on the uptake: the ball going straight through to the wicket-keeper.

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      2. Deathray

        Well that certainly explains a few things now doesn’t it?
        Can I give you some friendly advice, put some headgear on so it doesn’t cause you anymore brain damage as it passes through that wicket-keeper thingy. Whatever in the hell that is.

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      3. Unfuck U

        A modern kevlar helmet would be suitable but some old German steely headgear could be helpful as well.
        Makes them fascists friendlier.

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      4. Cederq

        They gotta find me first, I am a slippery yank, I keep my head down and don’t make the waves I once did when I could back up my statement with a ready balled up fist and the cops weren’t called by pussies… that is what is wrong with the inter-web, people don’t get smacked in the face anymore. You on the other hand is a known quality, they know where you live and nobody around to hear the van door clunk shut as you are rendition-ed Would you keep a cot nearby the coal stove they may let us use Death? Oh and I am sure Johno will be on the other side of the stove, Johno on the bottom buck and Phil on the top and Miss Sandy serving us tea and crumpets.

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      5. Cederq

        “wicket-keeper” I think that is that funny baseball thing that Brits and their related Aussie cousins do when the Rum is down to dregs and the wimmins are shopping….

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  9. Deathray

    Cederq, I always knew that was why you never had any roots and you were jumping all over the country.
    I know your kryptonite weakness though. And if a I can figure it out, well those evil assess can too.
    What is it about that ex of yours that keeps ya going back? That thing taste like peanut butter pie or what.
    Even after I told you there’s a reason she’s a ex, you agreed and still went back for another shot. Dammmmn‼️Now listen to me man. That woman is going to be your downfall. Stay away.
    If you got the itch that bad, maybe Aussie will send you some of his porn collection and keep you out of trouble.
    Be sure that he doesn’t slip any of the stuff with under age boys in with it though. Demand the legitimate legal issues.

    As for ever being in a bunkhouse with Aussie. You’re kidding me, right.
    The only reason we get away with busting his ass is because a ocean separates us.
    There’s no way I’m coming within a hundred miles of that psycho, ever.

    Like

  10. Johno

    Unfuck, civilized people recognise that a wicket-keeper is the fielders’ position behind the batsman in the game of cricket. The phrase “straight through to the wicket keeper” means that you did not grasp a particular message, or that a joke eluded you. You could be on an earner yourself here, if you copy a piece of protective wear used by the keeper, the batsmen, and fielders in silly mid-off and mid-on: the cricketers’ box. It is externally shaped quite like a VW Beetle’s bonnet, or a womans pudenda, with internal padding to protect the gonads from a cricket ball, that may be ‘doing the ton’. That is an olden times phrase referring to a speed of 100 miles per hour, or near 160 kilometres per hour. As a kid I was too poor to afford one, which is maybe why I have no progeny. Now I’ve checked, nobody makes a box small enough to fit Death or Cederq, so could you maybe knock bottle-caps into shape for them? The box is a protective piece that could be useful in public anti-mask/vaxx demos, if the pigs get toey with their boots.

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  11. Deathray

    Even when Cederq provided you with those silly measurement units that you’re so fond of, you still can’t get it right, Johno. I don’t think flattened bottle caps will suffice the”Mighty 304.8mm!!!

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  12. Sandy

    Cederq I thought you voted me off the island. Err, I mean out of the asylum. Now you want me to serve tea and crumpets. Make up your mind Pepe le pew.

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    1. Cederq

      I didn’t vote you off, I was reiterating to UnF the small print in the Asylum rules for wayward inmates… It’s kinda nice having a set of perfect mammaries around then a set of ugly swinging dicks…

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  13. Johno

    Unfuck, there is a conundrum that you may be able to sort out, given enough refreshment. If Cederq and Deathray fled TPTB, heading north, ‘up’ into the frozen Arctic wasteland at winter time, eventually they’d be at the point where they passed the North Pole (not one of the strip joints that they frequent) and then be heading south, ‘down’ toward you. However, if they had the opportunity to flee east, in a ‘sideways’ direction in an Inuit kayak, dodging polar bears, walruses and porbeagie sharks, with Cujo the chihuahua at the prow, no matter how much they rowed in an easterly direction, they’d never be heading westward, always east. Why is that, Unfuck?

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    1. Unfuck U

      That’s easy!
      Wait…
      Uh…
      Let me finish that bottle first…
      It cannot have to do with the fact that a magnet can have only two poles since that would be too obvious an answer.
      Uh…
      As I said: lemme finshish thadd bodd- bottle first…

      Like

    2. Deathray

      I’m hearing all kinds of talk on the inter-webs Johno about a upcoming shift in the poles.
      So, please keep such a situation in mind with all your future riddles.
      Also, you need to be able to provide the correct answer too.

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  14. Johno

    Death, your buddy Cederq has a, shall we say ‘fluid’, grasp of the role of the decimal point. Either that, or he believes the measurement conversion markings on either side of his Chicom ruler or tape measure. BTW, seeing as how it’s Unfuck’s blog, if he goes with metric, you two and Phil don’t get a vote. Seeing as how inches, feet, yards, chains and furlongs et cetera are British concepts, how come you’re so attached to them? Are you lot closet Anglophiles? Oh, I see it now: Phil and the demon Sprite. Cederq probably fondles Lucas electrics in his (naturally) dark camper. Do you have a Morris or Wolseley parked behind the Ram?

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    1. Phil

      Johnno, 95% of the fasteners on that fucking Sprite are Standard Fine Thread. The other 5% are Standard Coarse Thread. There isn’t one single Metric anything on that bitch.

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      1. Deathray

        I doubt that you could say the same thing about your pickup truck.
        Funny world we live in

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  15. Johno

    Death, how would I know? I’m a ‘barely able to walk a few metres’ cripple, can’t see my phone screen, can’t hear SFA, in constant pain cranky old fart, who couldn’t finish school because I had to work to support my sick mum. I truly know nothing that is worth knowing, and don’t feasibly have the means to find it out. You’re the fugitive from society, with the fancy-pants phone, can’t you look it up in your Funk & Wagnells?

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  16. Johno

    Unfuck, how come Deathray’s avatar switches around? Is his Alaskan mountain lair really some former broom closet in Langley? He could even be a rainbow-haired lesbian operative spying on your metal laminating exploits. You should demand a fresh caribou head as proof.

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    1. Unfuck U

      I was wondering, too and checked.
      He’s always using the same email address with the same IP.
      Nothing smelling fishy here.

      A little different with our newcomer lady – she obviously doesn’t want to provide her real email address – but with ladies we’re all used of certain fishy smells, right? 😂

      Like

      1. Deathray

        I thought it was on your end.
        It said something to the effect of ” waiting for the moderator to decide “.

        Like

      2. Sandy

        Un- you don’t need to post this comment, just wanted to explain the email thing.

        I was wondering why I was in moderator purgatory given the innocuous nature of my comment.

        I don’t typically comment anywhere an email is required, cause privacy matters. I won’t use my personal or professional emails cause they contain my real name so I created an email just for this cause. In my earlier comments I didn’t remember my email correctly. Finally dug out the little scrap of paper I wrote it on so I could get it right. Nothing nefarious going on.

        Since I am now suspect, I’ll take my leave from here. Don’t want to cause you any undo consternation or grief. Besides, I dislike having to enter an email every time and am likely to misspell it again.

        Oh and, bless your heart.

        Like

      3. Unfuck U

        Bullshit!
        You’re not a suspect or anything like that. I was pulling legs, madam.
        And as you might have noticed you weren’t even in the moderation pipe anymore.
        Whatever the reason you’re taking a leave remember the nature of The Asylum:
        Before you found your way here you have been an inmate already.
        “You can check out any time you like but you can never leave” 😉
        Godspeed Sandy!

        Like

      4. Deathray

        Sandy, don’t go.
        This place is much different than our usual haunts.
        It is raw!!!’
        I’ve noticed a few times on previous postings here that something about moderation comes up.
        I thought it was because of the criminal element and mental patients who stopped by.
        Hell, it was so bad that Un had to shut down for months.
        Nobody set out to run you off.
        I guess I’m saying that this isn’t the WWF here. It’s more like MMA in a cage match.
        Stick around.
        Maybe look into protonmail and get a free account with them and create a email address without having your name.

        Like

      5. Unfuck U

        I second that!
        Oh, she logged in with a Protonmail address, mind you.
        It just didn’t seem real.
        Wordpress didn’t check if an entered email in the comments is real last time I checked.
        My fault.

        Like

    2. Deathray

      Johno,
      Un, Phil, And Cederq have all see pictures of not only me, but even a few with local scenery.
      As for your Ram comment , perhaps I misunderstood. I thought you were insinuating I drove a Dodge product.
      I’m not looking anything up. If you want to run on at the mouth and twist the English language up to such a degree that a person can’t follow what you’re saying, have at it.
      I’m thinking that it is your way of compensating for the fact that you can’t compare to Cederq and his 308.4mm.

      Like

      1. Deathray

        Hey buddy, you need to ask Cederq about that one.
        It was his reply to my little sticker joke.
        I was confused by it myself. But, by looking at a mm to inches conversion table, I think he may have been watching tv and a subway commercial may have been on.

        Let me explain that to you.
        Subway is a sandwich shop here.
        They have a foot long sandwich.

        I don’t know??????
        His brain may be affected by reading so many Johno messages that he has developed mad cow disease or something.

        If the two of them keep on with the riddles, please think about sending me a few of whatever that beverage was you were hoisting a few days ago. I’m going to need it.

        Like

  17. Johno

    Oh, Unfuck, I hope you have funeral insurance. When Nurse Sandy sees that… BTW, is an UNFtap something you use to decant the Asylum rotgut?

    Like

    1. Unfuck U

      Doesn’t seem “funeral insurance” for the soon-to-be deceased an oxymoron to you?
      Regarding your fantasies about the usage of my 1/2”-20 tap lemme ask you just one thing:
      Why can’t you write some warning like

      ATTENTION! GROSS MENTAL PICTURES AHEAD! CONTINUE ONLY IF YOUR STOMACH IS EMPTY!!

      ahead of such disgusting comment?
      Dammit I was just eating!
      (If you’re watchful you might find out the moments I’m not eating)
      Get down the hall to the infirmary and tell the orderly to switch the yellow pills in your medication to the grey ones.

      Like

  18. Johno

    Sorry, Unfuck, but surely you understand the danger by now? I don’t remember the correct German phrasing, ‘funeral insurance’ is usually a cheap policy taken out by those of age to die suddenly. It makes sure that you get a box, or burner, and are not just put in the nearest trash pile.

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    1. Unfuck U

      Yes, I understood right when you wrote it.
      A funeral insurance should be taken care of by the family of the soon-to-be-dead so he wouldn’t rot away freely.
      The one who leaves… well, he’s dead.
      I know that you’re taking care of your own funeral expenses with such an insurance but it still seems somewhat weird to me – seen from a purely egoistic perspective.

      Like

      1. Johno

        Well, Unfuck, my neighbours wouldn’t like the funky stink after very long. If it was left to Cederq and Deathray, I’m sure they’d enjoy feasting on the mudcrabs that fed on the bait.

        Like

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